It has been so long since I have written. I am at work right now, reading a book and the reality of my life hit me all over again. It is so easy to choose to block everything out, just to be able to function day in and day out. And there are days where I feel so guilty because I want everyone to know about Derek and about how hurt Daniel and I are, but at the same time, I dont want everyone to know. I want to be happy and treated normal. Daniel and I were going to bed the other night, and he has been very angry since his dad left and I was trying to talk to him and he broke down, which I broke down. At the very bottom of every attitude he has given, of every unkind word that has been spoken by the both of us, it is that we miss Derek. Daniel told me he wishes Derek was here again because Derek, he and I had so much fun together. What I wouldnt give everyday just for it to be my two boys and myself. Life is so short, and I am trying to live everyday to the fullest with Daniel...but it doesnt take away that empty hole in my heart, that aching pain that is always there. I miss you baby and I want nothing more than to have you here with us again. One day it will be us three again, and I will never leave you. I know you visited Jen, and it helped me so much, but I cannot help wanting more from you. I need to hear from you again. I need to know you are happy and you are ok. I have shut myself down so much to everyone. Your story was in a national pool magazine and I just do not have the energy right now to fight it. Maybe in a few years I will have that anger back that drove me to do what I needed to do in the beginning. Right now, the anger is gone. All that is there is pain and hurt. All that is there is a longing to hold you. Daniel had a good 7th b-day and we are planning on going to Disneyland next year. But its not fair. I should be taking the both of you. I was waiting until you were older to take you because I knew you were too brave and would run off the first chance you got. And losing you was not worth it. I tried so hard and I failed you. I am so sorry Derek, I love you so much..

 

Diane, my heart is heavy and breaks right along with you whenever I think of you, Derek and Daniel. I know how hard it is to lose half of your heart, but I knew my loss would happen. I simply cannot imagine losing a child so suddenly. I cannot fathom the thoughts that run through your mind. I know there are days you think you are going to go crazy and days where you don't want to get out of bed. Days when you are impatient with Daniel and days you want to hug on him all day.

We are all different and all must make this journey to our "new normal" alone, even when surrounded by friends.

Yesterday would have been my Audrey's second birthday. It didn't hurt nearly as much as last year did. I am slowly (over the 17 months since she left us for heaven) moving her things around. For so long, I couldn't move anything - her medications, her clothes or stuffed animals that were in my room. They remained where they laid the last time we went to the hospital for a long time.

Now, I have all of her stuffed animals sweetly positioned in her bassinet and all of her clothes in a precious wicker basket.

Prayer helps. Time helps. You will never be a "former bereaved parent" but forever be a "recovering bereaved parent." There will probably never be a day you do not think about him, but the days when those memories make you cry will be fewer and farther between. One day, the light will shine again and you will be able to remember with smiles and love and laughter. Until that happens, I am here to listen, should you ever need to talk.

Take care, my sister. You are in my prayers.

Sherry
Mommy to Hunter (6) and Audrey Grace (10.15.03 - 5.8.04)

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