I do not even know where to begin. This year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, good and bad times. This year has been very, very hard. Last year I was numb. I just moved without thinking and existed. This year,  it hurts. The pain is fresh all over again and the reality is here that I will never ever get to hold you again. I am so confused by everything that is going on with my life and I feel completely out of control. And the part that confuses me the most and scares me the most is that I do not care. I just want to go, go, go so that I dont have to sit around and think of things, I want to pretend that my life is just as normal and carefree as the next persons. The dreams have started coming back.... I thought that I had worked through them. Or at least blocked them out. I noticed the other night driving home that I did not care whether or not I got into a car crash. I actually noticed how careless I was being. I dont want to be that way, but it is so hard not to.  It is so hard to get up everyday knowing that half of my life is never coming back and that I still have to stay here. So many things in this world cannot be answered. There are so many things I want to do with Daniel. There is so much life left to live, but how can I start to care about that part of life again? I feel so selfish, that I cannot get past these awful feelings of just being. You and Daniel will always be the most important people in my life. No one will ever compare to either of you. No one will ever matter as much to me as you two do. And I am so sorry I cannot shake the way I am right now....... i dont know what else to do. I am scared everyday of losing Daniel, sometimes I think I am kind of pushing him away because I cannot be hurt like that again. And I dont want to do that. I love him so much.... but it is that love that scares me beyond belief. I need your help baby.... please help me..... what am i supposed to do??? I love you so much DD and I miss you so much. What I wouldnt give for everyone in this world just to go away and for it to be you, daniel and i again. living in perfect, ignorant bliss, not carring or knowing how truelly cruel and unkind the world is. Merry Christmas baby.... You are forever my heart. And I will never forget how you would reach up to me and ask me to hold you and how you would lay your head on my shoulder, with your blankie in hand sucking your thumb. Ill never forget the way you would walk out to the living room in the morning after you had just woken up, with your sleepy eyes. You know that song whiskey lullabye? that song hit soooo close to home..... please help me baby, i love you

Momma