February 2006.

As I was laying in bed last night, I woke up from a dream and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. You are gone and never coming back. I know it seems silly that I have not grasped that concept yet, but it is true. That realization comes at you from nowhere and it makes you lose your breathe all over again and it makes your heart hurt. Physically hurt. So much has happened this past year. Daniel goes through his moods of being very angry to crying out of nowhere. I have neglected to face the past and deal with it and instead shoved it aside and ignored it, making everything worse..... Its my "fake" life as I like to call it. There are the people all around me everyday who think they know me and who I am, but they dont. The only people who truley know me and who I am are those who have been in my life since the beginning. It is so hard to care about anything still. Everything that happens I am always saying it could be worse. Which is a good thing, but a bad thing at the same time. Because its that mentality that makes it hard for me to care. There will never be a day where I dont wish that it was you, Daniel, Dadda and me again. Just us 4, happy with ignorant bliss that the world isnt an ugly place and that bad things only happen to those who are not good people. You would be 5 years old this year. You would be starting school in the fall. So many things you never got to do. So many years will pass that we will never get to see, "who you'd be today". I miss you so much Derek. I keep remembering all of the times we laughed together, and how you'd fall asleep in your big wheel tractor cause you were going in circles or how you'd only want to swing at the park and you'd fall asleep doing that too. How you used to love to pick on your big brother and annoy him. Or watch your barney and sing " one, two buckle my shoes" or your Monkey Bone movie. There are not enough words in the english dictionary to tell you how much I love and miss you nor are there enough to describe the pain in our hearts and the void in our lives. We love you DD. Happy 5th angel b-day.

Momma and Daniel Jr.