3-29-06

I have been dreading this day all month. And it seems that the closer the day gets to us, the more tired and withdrawn and sad I become. It is so hard to concentrate on anything anymore and so hard to care. There are still no words to tell you how we feel. To tell you how much we miss you and how we would give our last breathe to have you back. There are many days when life seems to be improving, things are starting to look up, but then it all just crashes right back down. The moment I realize that half of my heart is missing, that I will never see you go to school, drive a car, get married. I just lay there at night and watch Daniel sleep and stare at your pictures and remember how things used to be. How we would take our baths and that one night you both started to scream and cry because there was a huge mosquito in the bathroom. I was laughing sooo hard. Or how you would throw things at me from the back seat of the car. I just miss you sooo much. I have started to realize that what we have gone through, keeps me seperate from others. To be honest, the only person out there that I can relate to is Jen. She has always been there. Through good and bad times. And I know you talk to her and I am so glad that you do. I just dont trust my feelings with other people. Jen and Grandma Jean. That is it. So many people talk about me being strong and that they see I am doing well. I am doing what I need to, for Daniel. But oh my, if they only knew the truth. I cannot shake this feeling of being so lost and confused. Not a day goes by, that I dont think of you. Not a day goes by where I dont wish that this never happened. Ever since about a week ago, the images of "that day" started coming back. And i find myself just sitting and starring at nothing. I wonder if you are proud of me, what you think about everything that is going on. I pray everyday to you, I talk to you while I am driving or going to bed or sitting outside. I am just so lost without you. I cannot make up my mind for anything these days and it seems that I am just going day to day with whatever happens. Not knowing what I am doing or what I want. Not thinking that I really dont care anyways so I may as well just be. I can still feel the way you felt when i would hold you and kiss you. I can still feel you on my hips with your head on my shoulder, with your blankie in hand. I went easter shopping this weekend. And it hurt so bad. Cause when you left, I had your easter basket already made and everything picked out. I remember it was a white basket with orange carrots on it. I hate feeling so torn and lost. I hate that life is so great but so horrible. I am just so tired baby..... So tired and so alone and it hurts. I love you Derek. Forever and Always.