I know it has been so long since I have written to you. I just can't do it. I finally went back onto your website today and I just could not stop starring at the pics of you and your brother. Two years have passed Derek since I last saw you and last held you. I cried the other night just remembering all of the things we used to do and I cried because I am so scared that in time, those memories will fade and get lost. Sometimes I ask myself if you being here was all a dream. Everyday I wonder what you would be like now and what our lives would be like now if you were still here. You would be in school with Daniel and I am sure you would be just as stubborn, funny and handsome as you always were. Gary Allan has a new song out called "Beautiful Life". That song says so much. I just miss you Derek. I hate how life has turned out and I just want you back. Some good things have come from you leaving us, but I would give them all back in a heart beat to have you here. I guess I am just kind of stuck. Stuck not carring about anything, stuck not wanting to move on and stuck in the mode where I am afraid of the future because that future does not include you. Now I know that you will always be with me, and no one can take that away.... but I cannot see you or feel you and that is what hurts. Sometimes I look at everyone around me and my head is just screaming at them because they complain about the smallest things and I just wish I could shake them and tell them to wake up! I want to ask them if they know how perfect their life really is. But I am forever grateful that you gave me the sight and ability to really see what is important and what is not. You gave me the ability to really measure and choose what will get to me and what won't. You gave me patience, understanding and even in my darkest hour, you gave me strength and hope. My heart hurts just the same as it did that day. But I have learned to live with that hurt and still move forward. I cannot tell you enough how much I love you and how much you mean to me and how you are forever my baby. I never knew that I could ever love someone as much as I do you and Daniel. And I no longer want to know why you and why us. I just hurt that you are not with me. I just miss you. What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go now? I just give that one to the Lord and trust that he knows what he wants for me. I just needed to tell you Derek how much I miss you and just how much I love you. And one day, I will see you again baby. My DD.