I know it has been so long since I have written to you. I just can't do it. I finally went back onto your website today and I just could not stop starring at the pics of you and your brother. Two years have passed Derek since I last saw you and last held you. I cried the other night just remembering all of the things we used to do and I cried because I am so scared that in time, those memories will fade and get lost. Sometimes I ask myself if you being here was all a dream. Everyday I wonder what you would be like now and what our lives would be like now if you were still here. You would be in school with Daniel and I am sure you would be just as stubborn, funny and handsome as you always were. Gary Allan has a new song out called "Beautiful Life". That song says so much. I just miss you Derek. I hate how life has turned out and I just want you back. Some good things have come from you leaving us, but I would give them all back in a heart beat to have you here. I guess I am just kind of stuck. Stuck not carring about anything, stuck not wanting to move on and stuck in the mode where I am afraid of the future because that future does not include you. Now I know that you will always be with me, and no one can take that away.... but I cannot see you or feel you and that is what hurts. Sometimes I look at everyone around me and my head is just screaming at them because they complain about the smallest things and I just wish I could shake them and tell them to wake up! I want to ask them if they know how perfect their life really is. But I am forever grateful that you gave me the sight and ability to really see what is important and what is not. You gave me the ability to really measure and choose what will get to me and what won't. You gave me patience, understanding and even in my darkest hour, you gave me strength and hope. My heart hurts just the same as it did that day. But I have learned to live with that hurt and still move forward. I cannot tell you enough how much I love you and how much you mean to me and how you are forever my baby. I never knew that I could ever love someone as much as I do you and Daniel. And I no longer want to know why you and why us. I just hurt that you are not with me. I just miss you. What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go now? I just give that one to the Lord and trust that he knows what he wants for me. I just needed to tell you Derek how much I miss you and just how much I love you. And one day, I will see you again baby. My DD.

Hi baby. I just wanted to write a letter to you. I know you heard me praying last night and I know you can feel the pain and ache of my heart. I just needed to stop in and say I love you and I miss you. Daniel is doing good. He is getting to play football this year so he is all in his glory. He and I have been doing A LOT of fun things together that I know you would have loved. We have recently went to the lake, went to Castles and Coasters and of course done movies and parks and Chuck E Cheese and other things. I laughed when we were at Chuck E Cheese cause I remembered how you were so scared of "the mouse" and you would just stand on the bench and stare. Two years have gone by so fast. And all I think about is how another 20 will pass and it will never be the same and it will never be any better. Jared is staying with Daniel and I right now. It seems that no one out there can get along. Its funny cause the people you love the most are the ones you hurt the most. Ironic huh? I have been having some really bad and scary dreams. It just seems that everything is falling down all around me. But I keep saying to myself, as long as I have you and Daniel, nothing else matters. I would not know what to do with myself if Daniel was not in my life day in and day out. I have finally gotten out of that I don't care about anything attitude and am back to living in reality day in and day out. Being there for Daniel 24x7 and raising him the best I can. And that reality is so painful. But it is my cure. It is my healing. I have come to the understanding that in order for me to let it all go and move on, I need to face it first. It hurts when most of the time it is just Daniel and I. It gets very lonely. There isnt the noise and commotion of all kinds of people around. But hey, as long as we have one another. Pray for Jared baby and help him realize that Janelle is the most important thing in his life and that sometimes we have bad people and influences in our lives that dont always want what is best for us. Family comes first. Help him stay strong and guide him in the right direction. Don't let him lose everything. Help Destiny and him compromise and understand one another and work through their problems. For we all know that tomorrow is not guranteed and what we meant to say to someone today, we may never get a chance cause tomorrow is not guranteed. I miss you Derek. More than anything in this world. One day, Daniel and I will be with you again. And our family will be complete. I love you baby

3-29-06

I have been dreading this day all month. And it seems that the closer the day gets to us, the more tired and withdrawn and sad I become. It is so hard to concentrate on anything anymore and so hard to care. There are still no words to tell you how we feel. To tell you how much we miss you and how we would give our last breathe to have you back. There are many days when life seems to be improving, things are starting to look up, but then it all just crashes right back down. The moment I realize that half of my heart is missing, that I will never see you go to school, drive a car, get married. I just lay there at night and watch Daniel sleep and stare at your pictures and remember how things used to be. How we would take our baths and that one night you both started to scream and cry because there was a huge mosquito in the bathroom. I was laughing sooo hard. Or how you would throw things at me from the back seat of the car. I just miss you sooo much. I have started to realize that what we have gone through, keeps me seperate from others. To be honest, the only person out there that I can relate to is Jen. She has always been there. Through good and bad times. And I know you talk to her and I am so glad that you do. I just dont trust my feelings with other people. Jen and Grandma Jean. That is it. So many people talk about me being strong and that they see I am doing well. I am doing what I need to, for Daniel. But oh my, if they only knew the truth. I cannot shake this feeling of being so lost and confused. Not a day goes by, that I dont think of you. Not a day goes by where I dont wish that this never happened. Ever since about a week ago, the images of "that day" started coming back. And i find myself just sitting and starring at nothing. I wonder if you are proud of me, what you think about everything that is going on. I pray everyday to you, I talk to you while I am driving or going to bed or sitting outside. I am just so lost without you. I cannot make up my mind for anything these days and it seems that I am just going day to day with whatever happens. Not knowing what I am doing or what I want. Not thinking that I really dont care anyways so I may as well just be. I can still feel the way you felt when i would hold you and kiss you. I can still feel you on my hips with your head on my shoulder, with your blankie in hand. I went easter shopping this weekend. And it hurt so bad. Cause when you left, I had your easter basket already made and everything picked out. I remember it was a white basket with orange carrots on it. I hate feeling so torn and lost. I hate that life is so great but so horrible. I am just so tired baby..... So tired and so alone and it hurts. I love you Derek. Forever and Always.

February 2006.

As I was laying in bed last night, I woke up from a dream and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. You are gone and never coming back. I know it seems silly that I have not grasped that concept yet, but it is true. That realization comes at you from nowhere and it makes you lose your breathe all over again and it makes your heart hurt. Physically hurt. So much has happened this past year. Daniel goes through his moods of being very angry to crying out of nowhere. I have neglected to face the past and deal with it and instead shoved it aside and ignored it, making everything worse..... Its my "fake" life as I like to call it. There are the people all around me everyday who think they know me and who I am, but they dont. The only people who truley know me and who I am are those who have been in my life since the beginning. It is so hard to care about anything still. Everything that happens I am always saying it could be worse. Which is a good thing, but a bad thing at the same time. Because its that mentality that makes it hard for me to care. There will never be a day where I dont wish that it was you, Daniel, Dadda and me again. Just us 4, happy with ignorant bliss that the world isnt an ugly place and that bad things only happen to those who are not good people. You would be 5 years old this year. You would be starting school in the fall. So many things you never got to do. So many years will pass that we will never get to see, "who you'd be today". I miss you so much Derek. I keep remembering all of the times we laughed together, and how you'd fall asleep in your big wheel tractor cause you were going in circles or how you'd only want to swing at the park and you'd fall asleep doing that too. How you used to love to pick on your big brother and annoy him. Or watch your barney and sing " one, two buckle my shoes" or your Monkey Bone movie. There are not enough words in the english dictionary to tell you how much I love and miss you nor are there enough to describe the pain in our hearts and the void in our lives. We love you DD. Happy 5th angel b-day.

Momma and Daniel Jr.